Brazil

Just to sum up - i didnt get Uruguayan visa on time, i lost ticket, but Marcelo bought another ticket (oh money, i have so many thoughts about power of money nowadays)

On the Argentinean customs i heard already familiar phrase: Señorita, you have one entry visa, you cannot come back to Argentina if you go to Brazil.
There is no way for me to describe intensity emotions i had in this moment. The tears in the eyes and panic in the face were just small reflection of what was happening inside me. It was probably the strongest moment in my life when 2 strongest values in me conflicted in me so much. It was Love Vs Responsibility (right after Brazil i had to be at conference).
I was thinking "WHY?????? WHY is it happening to me? Is it the last sign that i shouldn't go to Brazil"
I had thousands of thoughts a second and thousands of doubts. With the tears in the eyes i told them that i WILL cross the boarder. I got exit stamp, my visa was canceled and all shaking i crossed the boarder.
I will probably never forget this moment, when i made this crazy decision that made me realize that no matter of anything LOVE is the most strong value in me.

I arrived to Marcelo's city, i was so happy to see him. When i was kissing him, i wa asking myself how could i possibly doubt about crossing the boarder.

I told him about the visa and his mother told me to stay to live with them:)

It was amazing how warm his family accepted me - i couldnt expect it.
I am not only talking about parents - i mean aunts, uncles, grandparents.
i was so touched.
And his friends - people were so friendly.

One day before flight friendly Brazilian people made me Argentinean multiple visa in 4 hours (normal process takes 1 week).

With no consequences i had amazing 3 days in Brazil with Marcelo and his family and friends and came back to Southern Cone to live my last moments of Southern Cone XP.

No we are thinking when it is better for him to come to Ukraine.
And Ukraine should create in him the same feeling of home as Brazil did in me...

Si Dios Quiere

Here in Latin America i heard many times people saying ¨Si Dios quiere¨. It means: "If God wishes". Basically you can ask someone: "Will you come on time to the meeting", and as the answer you may hear this phrase. In a way for me it seemed to be always a kind of the way to remove responsibility over your life from yourself to Dios.

When in August i discovered suddenly i don't have money to pay ticket to Turkey to see Marcelo, that was the phrase that i heard.

When my US visa was rejected for the 1st time, that was the phrase i heard.

When on Tuesday i found out that my visa to Uruguay is not valid and i cant take my flight to Brazil, this phrase came up to my mind. And i heard it from some of my friends from Ukraine too.

This "Si Dios quiere" creates in me a feeling of total "impotencia" - powerlessness.
If you get used to this mindset, first difficulty will stop you from making the effort, making it again and again, until it works, or works partially!!!!

I went to Turkey, i went to US and now i am going to Brazil to see Marcelo and meet his family - with or without Uruguayan visa.

Every difficulty is the challenge of our commitment to our dream.
The most horrible feeling is to know that YOU didn´t make enough, gave up fighting for the dream.
Thanks to everyone, especially to Andrea Bettosini, who helped me so much to fight with bureaucracy and cold hearted people.

"When you really want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you" - i believe in this much more than in "Si Dios quiere"

When u know you are Ukrainian

There are a lot of beautiful presentations about when you know you are Ukrainian.
One of the strongest moments when i felt i AM Ukrainian was this year when i had to pass through enormous amount of bureaucracy and disrespect applying for visa to EVERY country where i was traveling.

Yes, you feel like Ukrainian, when visa may separate you from dream, from love, from what you sincerely want with all your heart.

Some time ago this year i was reading the book of Erich Maria Remarque about 2nd World War and people, especially Jewish, running away from the territory when there was a war and concentration camps faking passports, using passports of dead people etc. He wrote in one part ¨No walls were ever built higher than the walls of bureaucracy and visas permits¨. I read it and i felt i know what he meant and that even today its true.

And the case that inspired me to write this post happened today when i found out that Uruguayan embassy made mistake issuing my visa and i now i need another one. and it takes 15-20 days to get it and they dont care they have made mistake, and they treated me awfully. What it means for me? It means that i cant go to Brazil this Friday too see Marcelo and meet his family, because my flight is Uruguay-Brazil and i don't have money for another flight.

The consul was speaking with me with sarcastic smile trying to imitate he knew some Russian, he managed to say: "Nye mogu nichem pomoch".

Idiot, i am not Russian, i am Ukrainian!!!!!

The story of stuff

Watch this, its worth 20 minutes that u will spend
http://www.storyofstuff.org/index.html

Things i love here

Argentinean ice cream - its the best one i have ever tried in my life
Argentinean barbecue with sauces
When Walter cooks
When Sebas is DJ
When David goes crazy and speaks about his strange ideas
When Maxi gets drunk
My tango classes and this video:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=r3ZWblOecYg
My Spanish teacher Graciela
The way women in Buenos Aires dress
Shoes of all colors in the world
My apartment (if just the ghost wasnt there)
Second floor of Pacha where people dance regaeton and cumbia
Observing people watching football
Pizza (too many points about the food)
Mandarinas 2,5 kg for 1 USD (again!!!!!!!)
Traveling through Andes
Santiago - i love this city
Sea lions
Hospitability of Chileans
Dance salsa, merengue and regaeton - that makes me crazy
Ocean
Once - food at 8 p.m. in Chile
Chorillana and borgona
Coffee from the street in Buenos Aires
Mornings
Mate
All my new friends that i found in these 3 countries
Coming to Chile and speaking with Argentinean accent and vice versa
Friday evenings with the guys from the team
Stories from the Princess life
Understanding jokes in Spanish

A lot of things that make my life so full of enjoyment here

International Leadership Congress in Spain

Again i completely left this page without any news for quite a long time.

So at the end of March i went to International Leadership Congress (LDS and EXPRO of IGN) which was held in Barcelona.

As usually i had a lot of problems with visa, so again i felt like Tom Hanks from Terminal (complicated to be citizen of Krakozhzhya:( )

I had a lot of expectations towards this conference - it was my last international conference in AIESEC, it was Expro, that once made a lot of difference for me in my MC term, it was first time at purely Iberoamerican conference, it was first time working with AI as faci. that was AIESEC aspect, the other very important thing was that i would finally meet again Marcelo after almost 3 months of not seeing each other.



It will be too much if i start here explaining all my emotions connected to ILC, i will just wrap up:

- That was one of the most challenging conference in my life. By no way from professional side, rather than from personal side. First time in my whole AIESEC life i didn't connect at all with faci team. I was so hungry for the faci XP in big multinational team and i felt so dropped out from the team. I didnt laugh from the jokes, i couldnt get the mood, i was not having feeling of chemistry that i used to have before...
- I was very much disappointed with the level of agenda and the way delegates experience was managed at the conference - be it newbie or MC VP current - all people had the sessions together, which was somethign unbelievable for me...
- Lastly i was shocked about how unreceptive people from conference team were to feedback. Feedback was just not passing. All good things were accepted with claps, all bad - ignored completely. I was all the time remembering the words of Piret (estonian girl that was in SSGN board one year ago) "In Latin America u dont say negative things, people dont like it".

At certain moment i started to feel very CEE - very crytical all the time, challenging everything. This is something that makes working in CEE very difficult - people challenging what u are doing all the time, but at the same time it gives a drive of excellence in what u are doing.
How can u grow, achieve, change if u dont accept and analyze your mistakes, if u refuse to learn from others?
What is all this achievement mood about?
It felt so faked to me... People from other GNs were excited about the mood of IGN people, about fun and enjoyment that seems to be appearing from nowhere. That is what amazes me too. But that's not enough.
After some days i remembered the book of Ichak Adizes about Management Vitamins.
The moral is simple that there are 4 kinds of management - he calls them vitamins of management. If organization has only one, organization will die, will never become successful in long and short term. But if organization manages to combine these 4 different vitamins, it will obtain long term health and prosperity.
The same thing is here. Every GN seems to have its vitamin that is very present and is caused by culture of the region. As long as we dont learn from vitamins of each other, we will remain at the same level we are now.
If we want to drive change and achievement in lets say IGN - IGN has to learn from others.And i think accepting feedback is a good thing to start from



I ended up the conference with the strange feeling i shared with few people. We in AIESEC speak so much about powerful learning environment, we invest so much time and money into conferences (so many delegates came from Americas paying over 1000 USD) and we fuck them up simply by not providing valuable content.
Is it acting sustainably? Is it striving for excellence? Its not.

Probably that post sounds a bit pessimistic and too crytical, but thats the way i felt.

I also had a lot of good moments and met a lot of great people, i spent amazing moments with Marcelo.

This conference had a potential to make the difference and it didnt, because we are very often not who we say we are.

Time to stop

Today read Masha´s post and realized something that was knocking in my head since some time until now.
A year ago one friend told me - when u run too fast, make sure u stop to see where did u arrive.
So where did i arrive?
i am almost 24, living in Buenos Aires with the salary of 220 USD, with no plans for future, although already GOOD Spanish (oh my God, how important), leaving every day from the office at 11 p.m., trying to prove myself or to others something i didnt manage to prove last year.
I had amazing year here in Southern Cone, all my personal goals are achieved. I feel peace, comfort with myself, i could let go all trash i had in my head last year, that i was trying to run away from it so far and fast.
I saw a lot of places, met a lot of people, i found the most important thing i was missing in my life, making it incomplete, unhappy - love, my Marcelo. I have no regret, no doubt now that i have made this decision right, no matter what my father told, no matter how many times it was difficult to explain to my friends that im working in NGO that wants to develop leadership in youth (damned, its easier to say that im juts spoiled rich girl and i just spend money of my father to do anythign). I have great team and we are doign great things in Southern Cone and noone has doubt about it.
with all my natural scepticism i may say - that was successful year for me.
i really feel happy and fulfilled, i know i am making the difference.
When i was coming here i found this formula for myself - for being happy i need to have love, meaningful job and internal peace.
last year i had only meaningful job. i didnt have love and even more i didnt have any peace, because i failed incredibly in soemthign that wa so important for me - my work. There was a war and devastation inside me.
What brought me base for peace this year was love and what completed it was succes in the job i was doing, being satisfied.
So i am happy now.
So thats it - i need love, meaningful job and success in what is important for me as a basis of my self respect and fulfillment.
3,5 months are left before i finish my year here.
And the journey in fulfilling my formula of happiness starts again.
I have my love - and i will fo everything possible and impossible to stay with him, to hear from him Linda every morning, and this time i dont want to see this Linda in email or in skype, i want to wake up in the same bed with him every morning and tell him that i love him. So thats first.
Second is finding what will be meaningful job in my life, what is that?
Just joining everythign that is not finance, that gives me money and that lets me be in the country where Marcelo - is following the stream, is lack of proactivity and a way to lose myself, to become conformist. I need to feel that i am chosing the direction, not that i am following the path that appeared in front of me.
This answer will help me to answer all other questions - do i need education or not, what should i tell to my father, how strong i am in my attachment to Ukraine.
Till the end of the day 5 years i gave to organization that wants to create people that ask themselves - what is my role in making this world a better place to live and commiting to its role.
So am i this person or not?
Will i be another alumni that u are ashamed to invite to LTS and AIESEC in 10 years for me will be a kindergarten i was in? Or i will say later that this organization shaped my future, not just let me developed my skills.
So are you or are you not this leader?
Even if traineeship is my last step to finish my XP, i still have this feeling that this is an easy way, the path already taken.
And i feel the pressure of time - my father, end of the term, Marcelo´s work.
Well, urgency stops people from wasting their lives.
I know i need time for myself.
And at the same time i feel pressure of things that need to be done by me!!!
My goals, my commitments, my neverending feeling that i can do more, i may achieve more than that, it can be done better. This tireless TRY HARD and BE PERFECT in me is the factor that makes it more complicated.
Well, i CAN be better in managing my life and my time and my priorities, i can do both - be very successful in my job and re-finding my path.
There are still the ends to cut, hours to work, spaces to use, strategies to improve, people to involve.
I can do it
becase i NEED

Yes, yes, that´s me!!!!!!!

At Global Village at CocoSur (Southern Cone's yearly conference) i was invited to perform the tango.

It was the first time that i have been doing it not at tango school.

So here it is:



and the end of it: